Parents With Autistic Children Are Not Alone

You and your wife are at a cocktail party. Men and women divide, equally and normally along gender lines. Soon, the conversation turns from work and the economy to how the family is doing. You hate this conversation. As the circle begins to close in around you, you take a step back so that you are on the outside.

One friend brags about how his precious little Brittany is already sleeping through the night at 3½ months. Another friend starts talking about how he is sure that his precocious prodigy, Biff, will be a phenomenal athlete and scholar and he knows this because Biff is way advanced for a 2-year-old and he knows because he read an article once…that would be your friend who read the article, not Biff. Although if you ask your friend, he is certain that Biff can read because he held up a card on your birthday and said, “Dadadadada” meaning that the card was for dad, even though your friend’s name is, Hampton, so…yeah.

You listen quietly, still meekly standing on the outside of the circle while your friends brag about how great their children are. You aren’t sure what to say, because your child is autistic.

As quickly as the conversation started, it subsides and the immediate surroundings grow quiet. You feel like everyone is looking with pity and there is an uncomfortable silence. No one quite knows what to say. They know that your child does not sleep through the night, even at age 5, and he is much more likely to be interested in watching paint dry than engaging in some sort of social interaction with a peer group, let alone letting you parade him around through the living room so that all of your friends can “oooh and ahhh” while you brag.

As you shift from one leg to another, your only thought is that you and your spouse are so alone in this world. No one else understands what you are going through: the sleepless nights as a result of having an autistic child that wakes up and wanders throughout the house trying to get into…well…everything. No one understands the endless parade through your house (and wallet!) of doctors, speech therapists, behavioral consults, cognitive behavioral consults, cognitive behavioral therapists, and analytical behavior psycho-whatevers! No one understands how it is suddenly impossible to have friends because their children are “normal.”

You and your wife steal furtive glances across the room because no one else understands. You look at your watch doing the mental calculation of when you got there and how quickly you can leave without seeming to be rude. And then, something amazing happens.

Someone outside your immediate circle taps you on the shoulder and asks, “Hey, my name is Julie, and my daughter’s autistic. Bob mentioned to me that your son is, too. We’ve had a really hard time getting her to go to sleep; do you have a similar problem? If so, do you have any advice?” You feel as if the clouds opened, the Red Sea parted, and the proverbial monkey was off your back. Someone else has a child like yours!

Of course that is not how it will really happen, but the point is the same. Currently, three to six children out of every 1,000 children born will have autism. That means that if you live in a small town of 600 people, statistically speaking, there will likely be at least one other family who has an autistic child. You are most definitely not alone.

And yet, when faced with the fact that your children may not be “normal,” it can become isolating and possibly even a divisive force within a marriage. There are two steps that you can take to help make things at least a little more palatable:

1. Listen to each other. Just remember that the most important part about a dialogue isn’t that two people talk, but each person also listens. You’re raising your child together and you’ll be facing the same challenges, but by virtue of the fact that you’re different people, you’ll have different viewpoints. Use this to your advantage and as a source of strength.

2. Find a support group. If you can’t find one, consider starting one. Being able to talk to other people who are currently facing the same issues as you is invaluable. They may have found some creative solutions to problems that you have been having. You can share stories of good days and bad days, share resources and information about doctors and teachers, celebrate triumphs, and maybe even discuss parental fears.

In a world surrounded by images and tales of “perfect” children, and a society that continually tells you that if your child doesn’t fit into these social norms than he or she is lacking, don’t believe it. And don’t, for a second, believe that you are alone in having an autistic child.